A message from the Queen

I've seen this twice recently but today I received it from T.K. so I am posting it here for your delectation and enjoyment, especially yours Silverback as you settle into your winter abode. :)
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II. In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.) Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Both houses of Congress will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: -----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour,' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary'). ------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.' -------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. -------- ---------
4.You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse... -------------- --------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public. ----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. --------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it. -------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. -------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion. --------- ------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater. ---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancy boys). ---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries. -------------------- 13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. -----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776). ---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season. God Save the Queen!
PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

B. Terry Aspin the artist

Since Keith's father died, two years ago, most of his personal stuff has been stored but now Keith has decided that some of it should be sold. As well as being a published author on model engineering and foundry work for the amateur, Terry built scale steam locomotives from scratch and spent hours following this interest in his workshop next to the house. As well as that, he was a gifted artist. In the sixties, he did a lot of the illustration work for many of the comics published by D.C. Thompson, of Dandy and Beano fame. It seems strange to think that comics like School Friend and Girl's Crystal, which I bought and read avidly every week, were illustrated by him and Keith still has some of the original drawings.
But there's more. He also painted in oils. Keith has most of his paintings and recently decided to put some of them on Ebay to see whether they sell. So, you never know, B. Terry Aspin could be the latest 'must have' in art circles - people could soon be flocking to own one of his paintings. Remember, you saw it here first!

INSET for teachers - Staffordshire or Spain?

Dad sent me an email with a link to this article yesterday. It tells of the staff of a technology college in Staffordshire who had decided that they really must do their next INSET training in sunny Spain, at a hotel which just happens to be fully equipped with poolside bar, Turkish baths and casino, so off they planned to go for four fun-filled (sorry, work-filled) days whilst their pupils stayed at home with homework tasks.
Not surprisingly, parents, pupils and the wider community are somewhat less than impressed by this and are not at all convinced by the head teacher's argument that, actually, it works out cheaper than hiring a conference centre in this country. Now, that's the bit I take issue with. Why, in the name of fortune can they not hold their INSET in their own school? Theirs is a technology college, which means that they have ample facilities for the planning they need to do and they don't even have to sit scrunched up on mini chairs like we poor primary teachers do! No, I'm afraid I have no sympathy with them at all and I'm quite pleased that today, thanks to a rising tide of adverse publicity, they have now decided to cancel the trip.
And I'm not even going to START on how much easier a time secondary teachers have their primary colleagues...;)

What can I see?

I found this meme on Yorkshire Pudding's site this morning and decided to have a go myself. So now I need to pick five things I can see around me as I type, five things which are meaningful to me in one way or another.

Directly in front of me are the photos of Elder and Younger Daughters when they received their degrees and of Elder Son, who is in the Royal Engineers receiving an award after a tour in Iraq. Proud moments for us all.

Sadly, no photo of Younger Son, but that's another story. However, through the archway, in the dining area, I can see a photo of my granddaughter when she was three.

My bureau now sits in the space previously occupied by NASA. I bought it years ago from Waring and Gillow, a furniture shop in Liverpool, in the days when I was giving my all to teaching with all that entailed! Perhaps it serves now as a happy reminder that those days are over.

On the mantlepiece is a blue glass dolphin ornament, of no great monetary value, but it belonged to my mum, who died in 2001 and so, to me it is precious.

On top of the bureau is a scale model of a Hornby Dublo Caledonian steam engine. You wouldn't have found this in the shops in bygone years as it was designed by Keith's dad but never put into production. He not only designed it, but made it from scratch. Even the box was designed and produced solely by him.

So if you would like to have a go at this, feel free. But be warned, it can lead to an inadvertent and thought-provoking trip down Memory Lane!

Working on Sunday

Well, now that I'm not teaching five days a week, I don't mind it at all. In fact, some weeks ago, I suggested to Keith that one way of selling the smaller stock from the shop, and to do some key cutting too, would be to go to a car boot sale and it happens that there is a huge one not far from us at Chirk airfield. It means getting up at five in the morning as it starts at six but that's all-right. It's lovely being up at the crack of dawn on a lovely summer morning. Of course, the more observant among you will recognise that this year, we have had precious few of those and although the weather was indeed fine yesterday, time is marching on, days are shortening and so we found ourselves arriving and unpacking in the dark. Now you would think that any potential customers with any sense would wake up at 5.30am, notice that it was still dark and turn over to go back to sleep. You would be wrong. You would be amazed at how many people were wandering around as we were setting out our wares in the hope of being the early bird who got the worm. Mind you, they had recognised that it could be difficult actually seeing what was available, so most were equipped with torches and a fair few were even wearing special ones strapped to their heads. Now that's what I call dedication.

Selling houses

I visited the estate agents again the other day, just to remind them that I had asked for some extra information on our 'for sale' board and so far, nothing had happened.

"Ah yes," said the nice man. It was the same one I had dealt with before. Did I imagine the fleeting expressions of 'Oh no, she's back again!' followed by the professional smile of welcome with a hint of anxiety lurking in the eyes?

"We do ask the firm that does the boards for us and sometimes they don't do it, so we have to ask them again. I'll do it now." And he tapped away on his keyboard.

So, yesterday the board was amended:

Estate agents do have a sense of humour - it's official!

Unwelcome intruders!

Last year, I was given an extremely useful present. It was a spray called Spiderstop and, as you would imagine, the idea is that you spray it around any places like doorways, windows etc to deter the wretched arachnids from coming in. The olfactory message that they receive is something along the lines of "Get lost! You're not welcome here, mate! Enter at your peril! We would rather have snakes, mice, rats or scorpions than you!"
Last year it worked very well and my blood pressure was completely untroubled by any of them. This year, it has worked well until now. Two night in a row the corner of my eye has caught movement of a black and scrabbly nature by the fireplace - yes, on each occasion a spider doing a clog dance and probably shouting "Yah! Catch me if you can, loser!" Apparently, they don't all get the message and leg it through the window or door anyway.
Well, I did - catch it, I mean - each time. I have developed a new strategy which involves a mad dash into the kitchen for the fly spray while Keith keeps his beady eye on the creature's whereabouts, followed by a prolonged spraying of said fly spray in its general direction, because by this time, it has gone to ground under the heap of cables behind the TV stand, followed by a good stamping on it as it craftily emerges from behind the armchair, thinking it has thrown us off the track. The first night Keith did the stamping, to the detriment of his tender feet, so he can't do it any more. Which, in itself is a bit of a disappointment. After all, what does one have a man in the house for except to kill spiders?
(Maybe you'd better not answer that!)