And here's another offering.

Subject: Fwd: Fw: Antiques Roadshow

One should not take the English language for granted. Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow ”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?” “Sticks”, said Paddy

Definition of a politician

Post Turtles

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. 

The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

Courtesy of TK once again... 

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.

Good-bye, Jake

Paddy here again, folks, just bringing you up to date on the little white fella.

Things haven't been going too well since my last post. Jenny kept taking him to the vet's and he did say that, although the vet was very nice and gentle with him, the novelty was wearing off and he wished people would just leave him alone. 

At home, Jenny kept giving him tablet and squirting medicine onto his food and to begin with, this seemed to make him feel better but that didn't last and he seemed to be tired all the time and getting a bit stiff on his back legs. Can't understand it really. I'm quite a bit older than him but I could still give him a run for his money. Mind you, Jenny always used to say he was built for comfort, not for speed, whatever that means.  He spent so much time in his bed and every time I looked at him, he had his eyes fixed on Jenny or Keith, as if he was willing them to do something to make him feel better.

Nobody seemed to be able to do anything though.

Anyway, things started to come to a head last Monday when he had yet another visit to the vet. When we got up that morning, Jenny followed us out into the garden and stuck a bowl under Jake while he was doing what we dogs have to do first thing in the morning. She has done this before and, quite frankly, I thought it was a bit of an intrusion into a fellow's privacy, but Jake didn't even seem to notice. If that were not bad enough, she poured the contents into a little plastic bottle and took it with her when she took Jake to the vet's.  What's that all about?

When they came back, I could tell Jenny didn't look at all happy and neither did Keith when she spoke to him. I knew things were not getting any better - the little fella just didn't smell right.

It was a long week.

Then on Friday, it seemed as if Jake was going on another visit to the vet but this time, Keith and Jenny both went with him.

When they came back, they were on their own and very upset. 

Jake hasn't come back and his beds, food bowl and lead have all been put away. I've been doing my best to cheer up Jenny and Keith but it's difficult, especially as I'm upset myself. I've got used to having a friend around and it's certainly not so much fun without him. 

Wherever you are, Jake, my friend, I hope you're not hurting any more.

We're really missing you.

Health the Japanese way.

Compliments again to TK.

I love  this Japanese  Doctor!   

Q:  Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can  prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Heart  only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste  on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.   Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like  saying you extend life of car by driving faster.   Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should  I reduce my alcohol  intake?   
A:  Oh  no.  Wine made from fruit.  Fruit very good. Brandy distilled  wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you  get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made  of grain.  Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I  calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if  you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to  one.  If you have two body, your ratio two to  one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of  participating in a regular exercise  program? 
A: Can't think of one,  sorry.  My philosophy: No  pain...good! 
     
Q:   Aren't fried foods bad for  you?   
A:  YOU NOT  LISTENING!  Food fried in vegetable oil.  How  getting more vegetable be  bad?

Q  :  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft  around the middle?
A:  Oh no!   When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You  should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger  stomach. 

Q:  Is chocolate bad  for me?  
A:  You crazy?!?   HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another  vegetable!  It best feel-good food  around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your  figure? 
A:  If swimming good for  figure, explain whale to me.

Q:  Is  getting in shape important for my  lifestyle?  
A:  Hey!   'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared  up any misconceptions you may have had about food and  diets.

And  remember: 
Life  should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention  of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved  body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"   
 
AND......

For   those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to  know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.   

1. The Japanese  eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Brits.

  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and  suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3. The  Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer  heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians  drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks  than Brits.

       
5. The Germans  drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats  and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Brits.


CONCLUSION:  Eat  and drink what you  like.   Speaking English is  apparently what kills you.

Jake

Paddy here. I know I haven't posted here for a while but I've been busy keeping all those pesky squirrels out of the back garden. Well, someone's gotta do it!

But now, we seem to have another problem. Jake.

In a nutshell, he's had two infections this year and has been having a lot of trouble going to the toilet. I would say it's his age, but actually, he's a lot younger than me, only middle aged really. Sometimes he has had an 'accident' in the house. At first, I thought he was  being lazy and I made sure Jenny knew it wasn't me, but now I think he just can't help it.

Anyway, things came to a head with his last infection and all the shouting he was doing when he went to the toilet. He was back and forth to the vet's and I think, although he is much better behaved there than I am, the novelty was beginning to wear off. Eventually, after various tests, the vet told Jenny he has something called 'transitional cell carcinoma' (I'm quite proud of myself for remembering that mouthful!) and that they could give him medication to keep him comfortable but they couldn't make it go away.

Funny thing is, since he's been on this medication, he seems to have had a new lease of life - he's even been up for the odd wrestle with me, something he hasn't wanted to do for a long time, but he still has to keep going to see the vet and whenever Jenny is around, he looks at her all the time, as if he is willing her to make him better.

But I don't think she can do that.

For YP from TK

People outside of Yorkshire might not be able to read this!!!!!! It makes you feel proud to be a Yorkshireman!   Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire nightclubs. Apparently, Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.. Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum" ............................................................................... A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us." ............................................................................... A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!" ............................................................................... The last is always best Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?" Chemist replies "Aye lad, Magnum or Cornetto?"

The Kobo Touch

Recently, I bought a second hand Kobo Touch and when I mentioned it in my previous post, Flighty asked me to let him know how I got on with it, so here goes.

I bought it for Dad to try and chose a second hand one as, if he doesn't take to it, it was not a large expense.
It has 2GB of memory, but this can be extended with a memory card of up to 32GB, although as books use so little memory, I would think 2GB is enough for most readers.
There is a Kobo store, which works like Amazon with Kindle, and once you have registered a credit card, you can buy and download books via wifi. However, there are many free ebooks to be accessed if you don't want to spend money and my main reason for buying this is that, if you are a member of your local library, you should be able to set up an account which allows you to download ebooks instead of borrowing physical ones. My only experience is with the Welsh library system, which allows me to borrow up to six books for three weeks. At the end of the three weeks, your choices mysteriously disappear (not sure how that works) but there is the advantage that you don't have to remember to take them back before the due date or risk paying fines! Unfortunately, the Kindle format is not supported by Wales ebooks nor, I imagine, in other areas of the country.
I already have a Kindle with keyboard, which I like very much, not least because it has things to press to turn the pages, whereas the Kobo has a touch screen and occasionally, the touch is unresponsive but so far, this hasn't happened often. The touch screen can be set up for right or left handed use, too.
The e-ink pearl display seems easy on the eyes and I have been using it for lengthy periods, with no eye strain and in that respect, it is equal to my Kindle. The other advantage with e-readers generally, of course, is that the print size can be enlarged which is helpful for the sight impaired or even if you generally use glasses for reading.
If you are choosing books other than through the Kobo store, they can be downloaded to your computer and then 'side-loaded' as I think the term is, via a USB lead, which is quite straightforward.
The size and weight are good for holding and I like the quilt-effect back which, although it perhaps doesn't look all that great, feels comfortable in the hand.
Keith has commented that, since I got it, I have hardly had it out of my hands - a bit of an exaggeration but he is convinced that Dad is never going to see it.
I have to admit, he could be right!