Dog training

Every morning Paddy and I go for a walk and every morning, when we get back, I break up two little chew sticks and put them in a special ball that he has with a hole in it. The idea is that he has to chase it round to get the treats to fall out so that he can eat them.
So far, so good. But every morning, I make sterling efforts to persuade Paddy to go and fetch said ball so that I can put the treats in it and every morning, he looks at me blankly, even when I point to the ball, put it under his nose, roll it past him or do cartwheels round the room with the ball between my teeth. (OK I lied about the last one, but even if I did it, it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference.) Da dawg is not for fetching - balls, quoits, toys - you name it, he won't fetch it, which, considering he would chase and fell a cat at 20 paces, given the chance, is surprising.

So Keith lent him his cap to try and warm up his brain cells.














Which, as you can see, worked a treat!

Pearly whites and goggles

I achieved something quite amazing last week. I managed to persuade Keith that he needed appointments with the dentist and the optician. I think it may have been the pain of his arm being thrust between his shoulder blade that did the trick but, suffice it to say, he has not seen the inside of an optician's lair for at least eight years and, as for the dentist:
"If you don't go," I threatened, "they will charge you for the missed appointment and take you off their list and you know how difficult it was to find an NHS dentist with vacancies..."
So he went to the dentist yesterday.
Bear in mind that this is a man who, I am convinced, was the prototype for Just William and so is never going to be a candidate for teeth whitening and other cosmetic dentistry but who returned from the dentist bearing a satisfied smirk and the news that he needed no treatment. (In contrast to moi who takes fanatical care of her teeth, yet still needed a filling to be replaced!)
Today it was was turn of the optician. An hour later, he returned in a state of some considerable agitation at the cost of his new glasses. Useless to remind him that the last time he had a new pair of glasses, they were still being made with real glass lenses and tortoiseshell frames, the man was inconsolable.
I think he may need to go and lie down in a darkened room...

Colin Caterpillar is still in the fridge.

Younger daughter came to visit yesterday and stayed overnight, which was lovely as it gave us a chance to catch up on news and gave Paddy a chance to show off and demonstrate how badly behaved he can still be on the lead! After she had set off on her homeward journey at lunch time, I noticed a strange packet in the fridge, so I took it out and, lo and behold, it was a packet of marshmallow-type, caterpillar-shaped sweets and the name on the packet told me that these little creatures were commonly known as 'Colin' and contain no artificial colours or flavouring.
(Wot???)
No, I didn't ask. I just sent her a text message to tell her that Colin Caterpillar is still in the fridge.
No reply yet though...

What day?

This morning I got up, showered and washed my hair, had breakfast, changed the sheets, put on a wash and then sat down expectantly.
Keith continued to sit at his computer.
"Right then," I said, "I'll just sit here ..."
"Yes?" said Keith.
"...and wait for you to remember what day it is today."
We went through the predictable: Friday, Good Friday, beginning of the weekend. Keith was wringing his hands and looking increasingly worried.
"And," I continued mercilessly, "My smile will get ever more fixed the longer you take to get the right answer."
I took pity on him. "It's a special day for us," I prompted.
Understanding dawned. "It isn't.... is it? Today?"
Yes, it's seven years to the day since we first met, outside Littlewoods in Liverpool as it happens, although that's a mere detail.
"Oh, you get less than that for murder!" he quipped.
Hmmm, not if it's due to extreme provocation!

Light rain

The weather forecast widget on my blog tells me to expect 'light rain' today. Mind you, it does tend to change by the hour and never seems to be very accurate anyway. Today, however, we haven't got light rain, we've got very a robust wind and sleet. Earlier, we had snow, which fortunately didn't stick. So the garden is back to its hibernal state of something resembling the Somme and, as Paddy hasn't yet learned to wipe his paws on the mat when he comes in from his 'toilet activities', the floor mop is in constant use.
Last week, when it was sunny and hinting at exciting promises of an approaching spring, I nailed a wooden border to the bottom of the fence in order to persuade Paddy that digging through to next door's garden is not a good idea and I even, daringly, planted a few shrubs in the ambitious hope that they would actually flourish in the apology for soil that makes up our garden.

Then I made my first mistake. I went to Dad's for the weekend and left the 'boys' here.

Although Keith knows that if Paddy is left to his own devices for more than five minutes in the garden, he goes into dig for victory mode, he left him to his own devices for more than five minutes in the garden and, hey presto! Da dawg disappeared into next door's garden.
So by the time he was relaying all this on the phone (Keith, not Paddy - keep up), he had spent half an hour trekking back and forth to retrieve said mutt, his bad ankle was really, really bad and his legs were on fire but he was still maintaining that he had 'done nothing wrong'.

I think he might have been watching too many interviews with politicians.

BUT, tomorrow, the forecast is for sunshine and 9 degrees! (Celsius, I hope).

Found in my inbox

These are sentences actually typed by Medical secretaries in NHS Greater Glasgow:

1. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
2. Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
3. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status:- Alive, but without my permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our care for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21 Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
26. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
27. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.
28. The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
29. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
30. She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
31. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Smith, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
32. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
33. By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.

STAY AWAY FROM HOSPITAL!!

Men and cricket - according to TK.

Hmm, an interesting one, this! I make no comment.
A little known fact :
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain could also be important.