Gordon Brown's apology

I was sent this item of news in the Telegraph in an email today.
Gordon Brown is set to make a public apology for the Norman Conquest. Last night close aides and Downing Street insiders categorically denied that any such move was being considered, fuelling the growing consensus that a fulsome apology is imminent. One source who requested not to be named said: “Gordon has always felt strongly about the Norman Conquest and its disastrous legacy of hereditary privilege and a class-based society.”
Another Labour insider commented: “The main concern is the trauma still being endured by people of Anglo-Saxon extraction. They lost their language, their social cohesion and their political autonomy as a consequence of this foreign invasion. While England has a long tradition of welcoming asylum seekers and the oppressed, arrogant Norman aristocrats on horseback are quite another proposition. A glance at the Bayeux Tapestry shows the kind of thuggish behaviour in which they indulged. When a King of England is struck in the eye by an arrow it is clear that a coach and horses is being driven through health and safety laws.”
He hastily added that there was no reason whatever why a man with one eye should not rule England successfully for many decades, but repeated his strong condemnation of the Norman invaders: “The Battle of Hastings was an early spree by Bullingdon Club louts.” Climate change campaigners also suggested that man-made global warming may have begun with the Norman Conquest: “All those forges producing chain mail and steel weaponry, not to mention thousands of imported French horses breaking wind – the effect on England’s ecological system must have been devastating.”
Kev Engels, Professor of Historical Studies and Social Inclusion at the University of Brixton, claimed: “Exclusive, class-based terminology such as “serf”, “vassall” and “churl” date back to the events of 1066. You get social alienation due to people with “De” in their names discriminating on racial grounds against the indigenous population. A Marxian interpretation would identify this as the start of colonialism, which also laid the foundations of the class struggle.”
The question that was preoccupying the Westminster village last night was the scale of compensation that would be offered to victims of William the Conqueror. A spokesman for a left-leaning think tank said: “To apologise without allocating adequate resources to victims is meaningless.” He estimated a minimum investment of £3 billion would be needed, to fund resources for outreach, counselling and rehabilitation services.
Political observers agreed that, having ruled out a referendum on the Lisbon Treaty, an initiative hostile to Normandy, the nearest outpost of the EU to England, might be a popular stance for Gordon Brown to adopt in the run-up to a general election. A spokesman for the Football Association welcomed the likelihood of an apology, saying: “Hastings was a disaster. Our lads were knackered after a mid-week friendly at Stamford Bridge. They had horrific injury problems and should never have been asked to take to the field that day.” On a more optimistic note he added: “The Norman Conquest was a game of two halves.” Downing Street is still refusing to comment.

As a genuine, time-served anglo-saxon, I am sending in my application  for compensation ASAP.

Doggy Boot Camp

I got a real shock on Thursday afternoon. There I was, minding my own business when a lady arrived to talk to Jenny. Well, this happens quite a lot. They go into what she calls her 'counselling room' which is just a room I have to go through to get out into the garden. Anyway, this lady, called Amanda apparently, had lots of doggy smells about her person, as I found out when I got to meet her, and it seems she trains dogs! I was in shock, I can tell you. I mean what on earth would Jenny want to even think about getting someone like that in to work with me? In fact, I'm not only in shock, I'm very offended!
It was a wet and windy afternoon but Jenny and Amanda insisted on taking me outside, even though Jenny knows I don't like being out in the rain and Amanda put this long red lead on me, a training lead she called it. It seems that Jenny has told her that I often pull on my lead when we are out and that I bark and lunge madly at other dogs - such wicked lies! So, up and down we walked and whenever I did something wrong, Jenny had to make this growling noise at me, and here's the worst part - if I didn't take any notice, I got squirted with water! There is only so much a dog can take, you know.
Amanda had a big red van with three of her dogs inside (she has six altogether) and I had a couple of quick barks at them and then she got one of them out to help me with my walking. Mind you, I couldn't see the point really; this other dog was worse than me at walking - well, I thought she was, anyway
After about two hours of exercises, I was finally allowed back in the house, to collapse, exhausted, on my bed.
Since then, I've had to practice going through doorways behind Jenny or Keith instead of in front, which is really stupid as I move so much faster than them, and I've had to do some of these exercises when I go out for my walks, so we don't get very far. Mind you, I am hearing Jenny say 'Good boy' quite a lot when I get it right, so maybe it is worth it after all.
I think I heard Jenny say to Amanda that eventually she would like to be able to let me off my lead and be confident of getting me back. Now that would be good - getting off the lead, I mean, I'm not bothered about coming back till I'm ready.
I think Jenny might not be too happy with that though...

Penguins posing

I just came across this article online and couldn't resist sharing it.

Photographer, David Schulz has struck up quite a relationship with the local Emperor penguins in Antarctica, so much so that he decided to let them have a free hand with some of his photographic equipment.

Don't you just love the 'family portrait?
You can just imagine the dialogue:
"Now then, son, smile for the camera. Say 'chocolate biscuits' and don't fidget.
Dad, did you change your shirt?"
"Yes, dear. Will this take long?"
"Oooh, does my hair look all-right? Knew I should have had my roots done last week!"

TK is on form!

10 Downing Street
London SW1
Dear People of the United Kingdom,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.
Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
Gordon Brown

TK's back!

Another little gem from TK.

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency,

all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used

after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: ' Euronating'.

A present for Paddy

Look what Jenny has bought me. Lovely and comfortable, but I still don't like all these noisy fireworks!

Bonfire Night

I've never been much of a fan of Bonfire Night. Following closely on the heels of Hallowe'en, which I can also live without, the weather is usually damp and misty and it's  another reminder of the rapid approach of winter. So, yesterday, when the first fireworks went off at three-thirty, yes that's half past three in the afternoon, I was definitely not impressed.
So, the evening continues:
Intermittent bursts of fireworks throughout the early and late evening, up to about 10.30, in spite of outbursts of heavy rain.
Trying to conduct a counselling session while this is going on.
Keith and I between us trying to pacify Paddy as he flung himself at the window, barking furiously whenever he heard the fireworks.
But what I really don't understand is how, in this era of Nanny State and all-pervasive Health and Safety, often taken to ridiculous lengths, people are free to go into shops and buy explosives to set off in their gardens!