TK is on form!

10 Downing Street
London SW1
Dear People of the United Kingdom,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.
Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
Gordon Brown

TK's back!

Another little gem from TK.

EU Directive No. 456179

In order to meet the conditions for joining the Single European currency,

all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland

must be made aware that the phrase 'Spending a Penny' is not to be used

after 31st December 2009.

From this date, the correct terminology will be: ' Euronating'.

A present for Paddy

Look what Jenny has bought me. Lovely and comfortable, but I still don't like all these noisy fireworks!

Bonfire Night

I've never been much of a fan of Bonfire Night. Following closely on the heels of Hallowe'en, which I can also live without, the weather is usually damp and misty and it's  another reminder of the rapid approach of winter. So, yesterday, when the first fireworks went off at three-thirty, yes that's half past three in the afternoon, I was definitely not impressed.
So, the evening continues:
Intermittent bursts of fireworks throughout the early and late evening, up to about 10.30, in spite of outbursts of heavy rain.
Trying to conduct a counselling session while this is going on.
Keith and I between us trying to pacify Paddy as he flung himself at the window, barking furiously whenever he heard the fireworks.
But what I really don't understand is how, in this era of Nanny State and all-pervasive Health and Safety, often taken to ridiculous lengths, people are free to go into shops and buy explosives to set off in their gardens!

A Mother's Story: Paul's Birthday

A Mother's Story: Paul's Birthday

Shopping again

Today I did some shopping - clothes for Keith, so nothing exciting then. I waited in the inevitable queue to pay.
"Would you like these things in a bag?" the assistant enquired.
"Yes, please," I answered. Well, the pile of things I had bought certainly weren't going to fit in my handbag.
"They're a penny," was the swift reply. "Is that all-right?"
Well, it had to be, didn't it, I thought as I nodded. As she set off on a trawl round the shop for a suitably sized bag, I became aware of the lady next to me who was buying three boxes of chocolate liqueurs.
"I'm sorry," said the young boy who was serving her, "I will have to find someone to authorise this sale. I'm under eighteen so I can't sell these to you."
And off he went on a journey round the shop to find an assistant of suitably mature years.
When I got home, I was relating the tale to Keith.
"Can you believe it?" I said, "Chocolate liqueurs, for heaven's sake! How many hundredweight of those do you think you would have to eat to get drunk?"
"I don't know," he said thoughtfully, "but I'd be willing to find out........... in the interests of science, of course," he added hastily, seeing my expression.

Oh, and on the way home, one of the neighbours was putting a tombstone out by the front door - as you do...

Goodwill?

I did the shopping in Asda today. I have defected to Asda from Sainsbury's because they offer to pack your bags, which Sainsbury's now do not, and they are certainly a bit cheaper. On the way out, I stopped at their petrol station to fill up but as I was pulling out, an idiot woman in a four by four came charging round the bend as if she were taking part in Formula 1. We both stopped and she very ungraciously allowed me through, and, as we were in adjacent lanes at the roundabout, started shouting and bawling at me through her open window. Unfortunately for her, my window was not open so I was unable to benefit from her undoubted words of wisdom, but the thought occurred to me that this is only the beginning. For the next several weeks, tempers will get shorter, patience will disappear and people all over the country will growl and snarl at each other as they put themselves under increasing degrees of stress on the run-up to Christmas.
You remember Christmas, season of good will to all?
Where's the nearest desert island?