Hands up anyone who works for a company which has the Investors in People award!
If so, do you recognise these comments as applying to your place of work?
...employers feel a sense of ownership and pride in their work
It is vital that everyone feels valued and confident because they have such an important role.....we all work together as a team and get a great deal of satisfaction knowing that we have done our best.
The award is given after an assessment of staff welfare and work procedures.
No? Me neither. That purely imaginary school which I have talked about before obtained this award after a series of stage managed interviews for which employees were carefully chosen and briefed on what to say. The process was embarked on straight after an OFSTED inspection, when staff were tired and looking forward to getting back to routine. Did this award result in staff feeling more valued and appreciated? There were many comments which suggested quite the opposite.
Did the award have a positive effect on the school generally? If it did, it was well hidden!
So what difference did it make? You tell me!
A pig for Christmas?
Keith found this site recently. It is run by the charity World Vision and is a site to consider if you are tired of all the money that is wasted at Christmas buying presents because it's expected for people who have everything anyway. It's also an excellent concept if you and the people you are buying for would like to take the opportunity to give to those in the developing world who otherwise can only dream of many of the basic things in life that the rest of us take for granted. The idea is that you choose something from the list to buy on behalf on someone you would normally be buying a present for. You can choose and fill in an online card which will be sent to that person telling them what you have bought on their behalf and how it will benefit the recipient. There is a range of things to choose from - pigs for £37, water filtration sets to provide clean drinking water to name but two. I think Keith might be having the pig as he has told me I can't give a sheep to a Welshman! (Don't go there!)
Check it out - it's good!
Check it out - it's good!
The joys of work
Just got this from my friend, T.K. Enjoy!
New Employment Conditions
Dear Staff,
Please be advised that the following are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.
ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada trainers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
HOLIDAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 days holiday a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
TOILET USE:
Too much time is being spent in the toilets so there is now a strict 3-minute limit in the stalls. When this time is up, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed to the State Unemployment Offices.
Best regards,
Human Resources Department
New Employment Conditions
Dear Staff,
Please be advised that the following are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.
ATTIRE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada trainers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
HOLIDAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 days holiday a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
TOILET USE:
Too much time is being spent in the toilets so there is now a strict 3-minute limit in the stalls. When this time is up, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
SURGERY:
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed to the State Unemployment Offices.
Best regards,
Human Resources Department
Free advertising
My car. We have decided that our cars are a wonderful, free, previously untapped source of advertising. I am the guinea pig as you can see! If you see me around, give me a wave!
Heave!!
Up a bit, to your left, no to your left, that's my left, your right! Round here, that's right, no I mean left, my left, your right! Oh let's go home!
Computer literate?
When I first went to work in the shop, Keith's son made me laugh by saying that he thought people should not be allowed to buy computers unless they had passed a test first.
Now, however, I am beginning to think he might have a point, especially when you have someone telling you they need a monitor which will work with Windows 98, or you spend 10 minutes on the phone talking someone through the spec. of a laptop and they ring you 5 minutes later, complaining that they haven't been told any details about this laptop except the price, so before they come to see it, they would like you to fax them the details. Then there's the lady ringing up on behalf of her husband for a 'power supply.' What is it for? you ask - a tower, a laptop, a monitor? A tower. Do you mean the 'kettle lead' ? I ask. Yes, that's right, she says. The husband then comes on to tell me it's for a small tower and it's only 6 inches long. Eventually, we establish that it's a PSU that he is looking for. The best today was a lady who came in and spent several minutes scrutinising the computer systems on display. Eventually she wandered over to ask if the units (part of the shop fittings) they were displayed on were for sale as she is looking for a corner unit for her son's computer.
(Maybe I'm the one who needs to do a test!)
Now, however, I am beginning to think he might have a point, especially when you have someone telling you they need a monitor which will work with Windows 98, or you spend 10 minutes on the phone talking someone through the spec. of a laptop and they ring you 5 minutes later, complaining that they haven't been told any details about this laptop except the price, so before they come to see it, they would like you to fax them the details. Then there's the lady ringing up on behalf of her husband for a 'power supply.' What is it for? you ask - a tower, a laptop, a monitor? A tower. Do you mean the 'kettle lead' ? I ask. Yes, that's right, she says. The husband then comes on to tell me it's for a small tower and it's only 6 inches long. Eventually, we establish that it's a PSU that he is looking for. The best today was a lady who came in and spent several minutes scrutinising the computer systems on display. Eventually she wandered over to ask if the units (part of the shop fittings) they were displayed on were for sale as she is looking for a corner unit for her son's computer.
(Maybe I'm the one who needs to do a test!)
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