A grand day out - not

"What are we doing on Saturday?" asked Keith this evening. Such is our overcrowded and hectic social schedule that it took me all of a millisecond to answer.
"Nothing," I said.
So the upshot is that he has decided he absolutely must go to the Institute of Certified Locksmiths' security exhibition in Nottingham.
"Would you like to come?" he asked hopefully.
I tried to look enthusiastic.
"It will be bigger than the one we went to in Telford," he said, persuasively.
Try as I might, I just couldn't regard that as a selling point.
"Do I have to?" I said eventually.
He took pity on me. "No, of course not," he said.
So that's OK. I can get on with chewing glass.
Well, which would you rather do?

The nicest way to lose weight.

Looking to lose a few pounds, girls? Look no further. The answer is right here! All we need to do is top up on the vin rouge and knock back a couple of glasses each evening, when you've kicked off your shoes and are relaxing in front of the tv.
Job done, problem solved.
Iechyd da, everyone!