"Well, there is only one piece of advice I can give you," said the wisest of wise men. "The secret of happiness is to see all the marvels of the world and never to forget the drops of oil on the spoon."

('The Alchemist' Paulo Coelho)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Customer service

This is a guide for all postal delivery services and in particular, good old Royal Mail and Parcel Force:

  1.  When delivering a parcel, ensure that you don't actually make contact with the door knocker or bell and that you manage to post a 'you were out' card before the householder has any chance of spotting your presence. It is even better if you can arrange for this to happen on two consecutive days.
  2. Ensure that information on the  card states that the parcel cannot be picked up within the next twenty four hours   (no need to say the postman is taking it home to bed with him.) 
  3. Even better, state that the householder cannot arrange for re-delivery but must traipse all the way to whichever post office the delivery man has decided to take it to, to pick it up in person.
  4. If you are going to allow the householder to ring up and arrange for re-delivery, ensure that it is impossible to get through on the 0845 number you provide and play an annoying message every few seconds suggesting that arrangements can be made online.
  5. When the householder finally gives up and goes online, as suggested, it is vital that you make sure that the website is 'experiencing problems' and that it is thus impossible to use.
  6. Finally, if you have required the householder to go to collect the parcel, probably at some inconvenience, make sure you have a bright yellow sticker plastered all over it with the logo 
Oh, and next time you appear at that address, make sure you are wearing your hard hat.
We do not forget!


cheshire wife said...

You must have the post man that we used to have!

Cro Magnon said...

You should move. Ours, Marie-Ange, just comes in the house (door are NEVER locked), and leaves everything on the kitchen table.

Jennyta said...

You could be right, CW!
Cro, sounds wonderful. To be fair, this was not our usual postman.

mrsnesbitt said...

Our postman leaves iur parcels in the greenhouse - he failed to notice the glass was blown out in the recent gales.

Jennyta said...

Sounds about right, mrsnesbitt! ;)


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