The Government is to invest £500bn of your money in British banks so they can lend it back to you with interest.
The historic move is being hailed as a lifeline for the financial system as long as nobody asks too many questions. Julian Cook, chief economist at Corbett and Barker, said: "The government will give your money to the banks so the banks can start lending you that money, probably at around 7% APR. Thanks to all the interest you're paying on your own money, the banks will make billions of pounds again and normality will be restored. After a few years of this the government will cash in the bank shares it bought with your money and use the profits to build a huge f*****g dome somewhere."
He added: "In case you hadn't already worked it out - the entire global financial system is predicated on the assumption that you're an idiot."
Chancellor Alistair Darling said the decision had been taken in tandem with the banking industry, adding: "They used a lot of dirty words I'd never heard before and one of them had an angry looking dog."
Meanwhile, Emma Bradford, a sales manager from Bath, said: "Why doesn't the government just give my money to me so I can buy stuff from businesses who will then make a profit and put it in a bank?"
But Mr Darling insisted: "Shut up."
And then, of course, when you keep hearing snippets of news about how the city wizz kids are still getting their fantastic bonuses and no heads are really rolling over this and no-one seems to be addressing the question of how to prevent this sort of thing happening again, you have to wonder if your money (if you still have any) would be safer in a sock under the mattress.