Just got this from my friend, T.K. Enjoy!
New Employment Conditions
Please be advised that the following are new rules and regulations implemented to raise the efficiency of our company.
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada trainers and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Each employee will receive 104 days holiday a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Too much time is being spent in the toilets so there is now a strict 3-minute limit in the stalls. When this time is up, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, consternation and input should be directed to the State Unemployment Offices.
Human Resources Department