Toby's Diary

Just thought I'd drop you all a line to let you know how I'm getting on. After all, Jenny and Keith both seem to think I'm clever, so that must mean that I can write blog posts ... I think!

I've been here for a few weeks now and I think I'm settling in pretty well. I probably wouldn't have settled in so quickly if Paddy hadn't been here to show me the ropes, but I think the old guy gets a bit fed up with my energy sometimes. He's very patient, but he does tell me where to get off now and again. Mind you, I can run rings round him most of the time - part of being clever, I suppose.

We've had a few ups and downs, mind you, like the time before Christmas when I accidentally bit a lump of fur out of Paddy's cheek. Jenny had to take him to the vet's for some special cream. I did try licking it better, but that didn't work, and then he made it worse by scratching it! Jenny said the visit to the vet cost her £40 and she wasn't impressed with either of us. 

She spends quite a bit of time not being impressed me, truth to tell, particularly when I leave puddles and messes around the house! I'm sure I'll get round to remembering to ask to go outside eventually, but, let's face it, would you want to go out into the garden to go to the toilet? 

So, what have I learnt so far?

• When Jenny puts my lead on me for a walk, it's not good to start chewing it.
• When Jenny puts Paddy's lead on, it's not good for me to start chewing it.
• Jenny and Keith are not happy when I have an accident in the house.
• They are doubly not happy when I have an accident in the house 2 minutes after coming in from the garden!
• While I am out for a walk is a good time for me to go to the toilet. (It's what dogs are supposed to do, but I just can't get my head around this one.)
• When Jenny is putting my food into my bowl, it is not a good idea to bark frantically. If I do, she stops, turns her back on me, and I have to wait even longer for it. But I still forget sometimes.
• Paddy does NOT like it if I try to steal some of his food. 
• Paddy doesn't like it when I squeeze into his bed with him. However, he does put up with it - usually.
• Keith's not keen on my chewing his shoes and slippers. I think that if he leaves them lying around, they're just asking to be chewed!

So, that's how things are at present. I'm off to the doggy hairdresser next Thursday. Let's hope I don't disgrace myself there!

Bye for now, everyone and be good! (Oh no, that's me!)

Royal Mail 'service'

I have blogged before about Royal Mail and now that the service has been privatised, I am pretty sure things can only get worse. After all, the priority in future will no longer be the customer (You mean it ever was?) but the shareholders, who have, by the way, done very well for themselves already, seeing that Royal Mail was sold off at a knock-down price, no matter what our esteemed politicians say.
Yesterday, Keith was waiting for an order so that he could go and do a job. This order should have arrived on Tuesday but didn't and, after waiting in vain until ten o'clock for the postman, he set off to do another job. I stayed in to wait for the post and by half past eleven, he had walked purposefully down the road, past our house and back up the other side of the road. No delivery for us.
In the afternoon, we popped out for half an hour and luckily, were back just in time to catch the parcel postman putting one of their nice 'You were out' cards through our letterbox. (By the way, these nice red cards are now nice blue cards with snowflakes on them - just for Christmas!)
For some time now, as UK readers will know, delivery times have been erratic. No longer can you plan your day, safe in the knowledge that the post will arrive at the same time every day - important for people like Keith who rely on being able to order keys and transponders and being confident that they will arrive when they should. Now, the post can arrive any time during the working day and varies greatly from one day to the next.  According to yesterday's postman, our area now has a new manager who is bringing in more changes. Deliveries will be even more erratic, things that you think should come with the letter delivery, may be put in with the parcel delivery, which may, in turn, no longer be within half an hour of the letter delivery but could be hours later.
So, it seems that my new career will be waiting in for the post for anything from a couple of hours to all day - just in case. Sorry, dogs, your walks are on on hold!
"Ah," I hear you say, "but you can go to the sorting office for your package if you miss it."
Well, it's not too far away from us luckily, but if you go by car, you are now not allowed to park in their car park, which means finding a pay and display space somewhere in the car parks nearby and you can now no longer go on the same day, as it will not have been processed. So you lose a day.
'Ring up and ask for a re-delivery then!" you exclaim.
Previously, I could ring up and speak to someone at the local sorting office. Now, I can only ring up and speak to a computer, which requires me to give it an endless stream of irrelevant information, like what colour underwear I have on. (No, OK, that's not one of the questions, but I bet it will be soon!)
Last time I tried it, I gave up in despair.
However, if you thought it could get no worse, cast your eyes over  what's happening to Canada's mail service. Over there, they are talking about giving up door to door deliveries altogether.
Just wait till our new, sleek privatised service gets a load of that!
I'm taking bets on how long it takes Royal Mail to follow suit.

FASCINATING AIDA : very funny OFSTED song for teachers

Just received this link from a teacher friend, one of the 'Ladies who lunch' group, in fact. Worth watching...

Toby here!

Hello everyone, 

Just thought I'd introduce myself. I know Paddy has already told you about me but he can be a bit grumpy sometimes and I was afraid that he might not have given you a balanced picture. I mean, did he tell you how handsome, talented and clever I am? No? Thought not...

Actually, he's not bad for an old chap. He lets me climb all over him, bite his legs and his tail and pull his bed to bits. In return, I soften up the rawhide chews that Jenny sometimes gives us, ready for him to take over. He has had two teeth taken out, you see, so his bite is not what it used to be. (Just as well for me, really, I suppose!)

As far as Keith and Jenny are concerned, they seem reasonably pleased  with me - when I'm not causing mayhem.

Keith is not very happy when I chew his shoes and slippers, which is a shame really, as the shoelaces are particularly tasty, and I think they are getting a bit tired of my bringing dead leaves into the house, but I think it's a great game and at least I don't chew the post when it arrives or bark at the vacuum cleaner AND, most important of all, as far as Jenny is concerned, I don't go berserk when I see a cat, rabbit or squirrel! (You reading this, Paddy?)

This cap is quite tasty too !

The Newbie

Hi everyone, Paddy here, although I"m so exhausted, I don't know how I'm managing to string two sentences together. The reason? Well, Jenny and Keith decided that I was missing Jake (I was) and so I could do with a new friend and, guess what? Before you could say Jack Robinson, they went out yesterday morning and came back with...

Toby!

He's another Bichon Frise and only three and a half months old. Now as I am well in my eighties, in human terms, you can imagine that I have a little trouble matching his energy levels, but so far, we've been getting on pretty well. He's OK for a youngster and mostly does as he's told. I think he needs to work on his toilet training a bit more though. He's had a couple of accidents and when we go outside, he is so busy watching what I'm doing that he forgets to do the necessary himself!

I'm keeping him in order and reminding him who's boss, though. For a start, I'm making a point of sleeping in his bed and playing with his toys. Yes, I know I never play with toys and, no, I haven't ever heard the story of the dog in the manger. You trying to tell me something?

He's keeping on the right side of the humans so far, but I don't think Keith will be too pleased when he finds out that his shoe is being chewed...

Watch this space, folks, watch this space.

And here's another offering.

Subject: Fwd: Fw: Antiques Roadshow

One should not take the English language for granted. Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow ”Ooh”, said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?” “Sticks”, said Paddy

Definition of a politician

Post Turtles

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role as our leaders. 

The old rancher said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

Courtesy of TK once again... 

The old rancher said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old rancher saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain.

"You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.

Good-bye, Jake

Paddy here again, folks, just bringing you up to date on the little white fella.

Things haven't been going too well since my last post. Jenny kept taking him to the vet's and he did say that, although the vet was very nice and gentle with him, the novelty was wearing off and he wished people would just leave him alone. 

At home, Jenny kept giving him tablet and squirting medicine onto his food and to begin with, this seemed to make him feel better but that didn't last and he seemed to be tired all the time and getting a bit stiff on his back legs. Can't understand it really. I'm quite a bit older than him but I could still give him a run for his money. Mind you, Jenny always used to say he was built for comfort, not for speed, whatever that means.  He spent so much time in his bed and every time I looked at him, he had his eyes fixed on Jenny or Keith, as if he was willing them to do something to make him feel better.

Nobody seemed to be able to do anything though.

Anyway, things started to come to a head last Monday when he had yet another visit to the vet. When we got up that morning, Jenny followed us out into the garden and stuck a bowl under Jake while he was doing what we dogs have to do first thing in the morning. She has done this before and, quite frankly, I thought it was a bit of an intrusion into a fellow's privacy, but Jake didn't even seem to notice. If that were not bad enough, she poured the contents into a little plastic bottle and took it with her when she took Jake to the vet's.  What's that all about?

When they came back, I could tell Jenny didn't look at all happy and neither did Keith when she spoke to him. I knew things were not getting any better - the little fella just didn't smell right.

It was a long week.

Then on Friday, it seemed as if Jake was going on another visit to the vet but this time, Keith and Jenny both went with him.

When they came back, they were on their own and very upset. 

Jake hasn't come back and his beds, food bowl and lead have all been put away. I've been doing my best to cheer up Jenny and Keith but it's difficult, especially as I'm upset myself. I've got used to having a friend around and it's certainly not so much fun without him. 

Wherever you are, Jake, my friend, I hope you're not hurting any more.

We're really missing you.

Health the Japanese way.

Compliments again to TK.

I love  this Japanese  Doctor!   

Q:  Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can  prolong life.  Is this true? 
A: Heart  only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste  on exercise.  Everything wear out eventually.   Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like  saying you extend life of car by driving faster.   Want to live longer?  Take nap.

Q: Should  I reduce my alcohol  intake?   
A:  Oh  no.  Wine made from fruit.  Fruit very good. Brandy distilled  wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you  get even more of goodness that way.  Beer also made  of grain.  Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I  calculate my body/fat ratio? 
A: Well, if  you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to  one.  If you have two body, your ratio two to  one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of  participating in a regular exercise  program? 
A: Can't think of one,  sorry.  My philosophy: No  pain...good! 
     
Q:   Aren't fried foods bad for  you?   
A:  YOU NOT  LISTENING!  Food fried in vegetable oil.  How  getting more vegetable be  bad?

Q  :  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft  around the middle?
A:  Oh no!   When you exercise muscle, it get bigger.  You  should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger  stomach. 

Q:  Is chocolate bad  for me?  
A:  You crazy?!?   HEL-LO-O!!  Cocoa bean!  Another  vegetable!  It best feel-good food  around!

Q:  Is swimming good for your  figure? 
A:  If swimming good for  figure, explain whale to me.

Q:  Is  getting in shape important for my  lifestyle?  
A:  Hey!   'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared  up any misconceptions you may have had about food and  diets.

And  remember: 
Life  should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention  of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved  body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one  hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up,  totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a  ride!!"   
 
AND......

For   those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final  word on nutrition and health.  It's a relief to  know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional  studies.   

1. The Japanese  eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Brits.

  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and  suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3. The  Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer  heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians  drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks  than Brits.

       
5. The Germans  drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats  and suffer fewer heart attacks than  Brits.


CONCLUSION:  Eat  and drink what you  like.   Speaking English is  apparently what kills you.

Jake

Paddy here. I know I haven't posted here for a while but I've been busy keeping all those pesky squirrels out of the back garden. Well, someone's gotta do it!

But now, we seem to have another problem. Jake.

In a nutshell, he's had two infections this year and has been having a lot of trouble going to the toilet. I would say it's his age, but actually, he's a lot younger than me, only middle aged really. Sometimes he has had an 'accident' in the house. At first, I thought he was  being lazy and I made sure Jenny knew it wasn't me, but now I think he just can't help it.

Anyway, things came to a head with his last infection and all the shouting he was doing when he went to the toilet. He was back and forth to the vet's and I think, although he is much better behaved there than I am, the novelty was beginning to wear off. Eventually, after various tests, the vet told Jenny he has something called 'transitional cell carcinoma' (I'm quite proud of myself for remembering that mouthful!) and that they could give him medication to keep him comfortable but they couldn't make it go away.

Funny thing is, since he's been on this medication, he seems to have had a new lease of life - he's even been up for the odd wrestle with me, something he hasn't wanted to do for a long time, but he still has to keep going to see the vet and whenever Jenny is around, he looks at her all the time, as if he is willing her to make him better.

But I don't think she can do that.